The story of a tattoo
7 Aug 2009
I’ve been thinking about getting some ink for a while, probably just over a year now. Yet last Friday seemed to come upon me suddenly, and here I am asking myself, as have many of my friends, why did I get a tattoo? (you can see a photo taken just after I had the word ‘Ecclesia’ tattooed here )
There have been so many reasons swirling around my head, some conscious and some that need to be surfaced with reflection. So here I offer the narrative and story that gives rise to the reasons for my tattoo. Tomorrow I’ll make a much shorter post in answer to my question, that offers all the reasons I can think of, in bullet points.
So more for me than you, my story.
My father emigrated last week tuesday to Atlanta,USA, having left my life again for the second time. The first time was in 1986, I was 16, with a 15 year old brother and another brother less than a year old.
That has the be one of the most traumatic and dark periods of my life. After years of abuse both physical violence and emotional by my mother, and my father already absent due to working abroad most of my life, and drunk when he was at home, he just disappeared. No contact, no visits, and my mother disintegrated.
Walking my brother in his pram, taking care of him in the day time, people thought I was his dad. Where I lived, being a young parents was relatively normal. The memories of trying to get through college, losing our house, and caring for my mother, are a time and place that I do not like to visit to this day.
Then into that darkness came a bright light. My Aunt a Christian who was deemed strange by my parents probably because she didn’t beat her kids, drink, and owned her own house, contacted a friend at a local Baptist Church who contacted my mother and offered help. I remember thinking, what kind of people offer help to people like us?
So now aged nearly 17, I followed my mother to a church service on October 6th, 1986, suspicious of how my vulnerable mother might be taken advantage of by some church people. It was 23 years ago, but that day was so bright, so alive, that I can still taste, smell and hear so much of what happened to me like it was yesterday.
My recollections of that first church service, are that firstly the people dressed casually, spoke normally, were friendly, and made me feel welcome. Then I remember the worship. Watching people express love and adoration to God, it was disturbing. And at the same time it was beautiful. The giving of themselves to something other than themselves. I remember looking around, not knowing the songs, not knowing what to do, and just seeing something take shape with and between them all. And then the thought that I wanted that for me too.
Then a talk/teach/preach by a visiting speaker, who talked about Jesus. Not just the stuff I had heard at school, that Christians believed Jesus died and rose from the dead, like some dry facts about a religion. Instead talking about Jesus, as if he was alive, in the room with us, that we could know him personally.
I remember thinking, that the church had done a good Job of keeping that secret from me. Why hadn’t anyone told me this sooner. So I left that morning service ‘my heart strangely warmed’, and no one had done anything weird. My focus shifted from taking my mother, to me wanting to come back to find out more.
So that night I returned on my own to the evening service. After all the darkness of the last 16 years, it was like taking a bath in light, warm light, peaceful light. Again the same speaker with another talk about Jesus. The service finished, chairs were being packed away in the school hall, and I found I could not move, literally.
Something was going on, I didn’t know what, my heart was racing, and I couldn’t leave, I needed someone to help me understand what was happening. Then the youth pastors,Andy Hickford, came over asked me how I was, then having been tipped that I wasn’t a christian by some of the youth that recognized me from school, he asked if I knew what a Christian was.
My reply was no, he then tried to find a ‘journey into life’ tract to take me through, was gone some time, then returned slightly flustered, apologized that he couldn’t find one, so was going to try to explain Christianity in his own words and hoped that would be ok. We laugh about that moment now, the abusdity of needing authorised words, but I thank God for that and what followed next.
Andy didn’t give me four spiritual laws, any atonement theory, just a simple invitation. He warned me that becoming a christian might mean my life becoming harder, not easier, but did I want something to give myself to in which I would have meaning and purpose and adventure, every day of my life, something to live for, something to die for. Then he asked if I wanted some time to think, and talk later with him.
I remember sitting on that chair, so overwhelmed with the pain of my life, with this alternative reality before me that was palpable. I could taste, and feel it, unaware then that it was the Holy Spirit resting on me, inviting me. There was nothing to wait for, I had been waiting my whole life for this, looking for God, praying in the dark of the night, when the violence at home was is worst, asking God to see me and help.
Onne time whilst my parents ripped up our home with one their most virulent domestic disturbances, I had hidden in my wardrobe, behind my Dads fur coat, wishing and trying to find Narnia and Aslan. So here on that chair, October 6th, 1986, just after 8 pm I think, I had found the back of the wardrobe, and stepped out into a new reality and life.
So we prayed and I gave my life to Jesus, went home, slept deeply, then when I woke, prayed and asked Jesus what he wanted me to do with my life. Whatever I would do, I now knew it involved helping others find Jesus, through his Church.
So I entered into the Church, and it was family, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters, grandparents. Love, care, advice, rebuke, ups and downs, misunderstandings and deep knowing. It was family, my family, complicated, messy and yet glorious.
For the last 23 years the church has been my family, within which I have become something different than I would have been on my own. Church has not been a middle class indulgence, but something that saved my life, literally. It brought healing, encouragement into education, and into a new way of life.
During most of those 23 years I searched for my father unable to find him. Then five years ago he rang, he was in the middle east still, and obviously in trouble. Due to antagonising his business partner, a local Sheik, he had been in out of prison, despite having been aquited. He’d had a heart attack in prison, denied access to medical care, and need medical help.
So I went to visit, and any allusions about him were finally shattered. My absent father had been married bigamously, I had four half brothers, and he had destroyed his second family with his alcoholism and violence. But I was glad to know where he was and glad to help.
I took on the British Foreign office, with the help of my local Member of Parliament, with my most immediate brother and I even making national news. The end result was my father was released, and landed in my home town. Then the drama of his triple bypass, and watching his wife and kids, arrive to their darkness and trauma of living with him.
Then a few weeks ago I got an email from him. I never hear from my father unless he needs help, in all the time he had been in my home town, he never made one attempt to stay in contact with me. The content of the email was one in which he blamed me for his leaving in 1986, of how I had squandered all his money. It was unpleasant to say the least, but by now my parents are two very broken people that I have learned to keep at a distance.
I knew something must have been happening to precipitate this, and sure enough I found out that he was about to leave the UK for good. I suppose at some level, here he was leaving again, and unable to face up to what he had done in the past, he needed to justify why he had left. A few more emails, that questioned my integrity, character and calling, that said I had been no help to him at all, that I had done nothing for him, followed.
I found myself sad, and with a heavy heart, as he left last week Tuesday, knowing I would likely never see him again, wondering again why parents in dealing with their hurt need to try to destroy their children to feel better about themselves.
So back to my tattoo. I had booked to visit the tattoo parlour that week, to discuss my possible tattoo, explore a design after talking on email with the parlor, and had been warned that I’d then need to make an appointment some weeks later as they were booked up. Yet on my arrival, they’d had a cancellation and could do it now.
So many of my reasons for a tattoo all seemed to coalesce, and I realised I wanted to do it to mark literally, my father leaving and my story. Here was a way to mark on my body, that my identity was not in another family. It was about my grief, my remembrance, and my identity. Some people get the names of their kids tattooed on their bodies, their family, and I wanted my family tattooed on my body.
So that’s some of my story, and tomorrow morning, I’ll post about the other concomitant reasons for my tattoo.
41 comments
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Comment by Edward Pillar
10.48 am on 7 Aug 2009
Jason…i confess I did wonder when I saw the tattoo…”why!?”
But, your story was wonderful, moving and lovely – in a very good sense, and makes perfect sense of your tattoo.
many blessings
Edward
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Comment by Jason
6.20 pm on 7 Aug 2009
Thank you Edward.
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Comment by Jonathan Brink
3.37 pm on 7 Aug 2009
Thanks for sharing your heart Jason.
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Comment by Jason
6.21 pm on 7 Aug 2009
Thanks Jonathan, Jase
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Comment by JR Woodward
7.21 pm on 7 Aug 2009
Jason,
All I can say is wow. Thanks for sharing your intimate journey with us, the pain, the hurt, the hope and stuggle for identity. I can see why you wanted to mark this “kairos” moment in ink. Hearing your story makes me feel closer to you and thankful that we are in the same family. Thanks brother. Peace.
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Comment by Jason
6.45 am on 8 Aug 2009
Thanks JR
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Comment by Justin
10.35 pm on 7 Aug 2009
Thanks for letting us enter into your story a bit…Justin
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Comment by Jason
6.46 am on 8 Aug 2009
Tnx Justin
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Comment by Peter Konz
10.38 pm on 7 Aug 2009
Jason,
Thank you for sharing your story. It shows how important family and community is to our lives. Though your story includes pain and loss, ultimately God’s gift of mercy and grace in your life is readily apparent. I too have a tattoo that reminds me that I have eternal life because of the blood of the Son.
Blessings,
Peter
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Comment by Jason
6.47 am on 8 Aug 2009
Thanks Peter. What was your tattoo?
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Comment by Peter Konz
3.51 am on 12 Aug 2009
Jason,
It is actually a sun that is blood red in color with a kanji symbol for eternity in the center. So because of the blood of the Son I have eternity. Thanks for asking.
Peace,
Peter
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Comment by Jason
8.39 am on 12 Aug 2009
Tnx
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Pingback by 4 reasons for my Tattoo at Deep Church
10.10 am on 9 Aug 2009
[...] my last post, I gave the background to story and context to the “Ecclesia’ tattoo I recently had on [...]
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Comment by Kevin and Gail
11.04 pm on 9 Aug 2009
I do find it interesting that there is so much about cigars and tattoos……..my question is …..what would Jesus have done!?
Am i being provocative in this statement ??? – no , i do feel leaders try and be “cool” when all we want as followers of Jesus , is to have leaders , who encourage us battlers in this journey of life , to be more Christ like…..and not make decisions that encourage others to do the same , and what for??????! Tough one , i know! as few of us are “holy” / perfect enough to even comment…….but there again are we not in this to encourage one another to aspire to “be” Jesus on this earth! Jason , you dont need Tatoos , cigars and any other nonsense stuff to prove you are cool in Christ! my opinion?? yea i suppose so! but , would love to hear more about what the Father is doing in Jason this week/month/year. Jesus inside of you IS the coolest thing mate – thats what makes me want to know YOU more! Be encouraged , yes you are on a journey – FAB !!!! with the FATHER of LIFE right beside you , what more does one need ! Will i be getting a tattoo ??? No , i dont have to do what the rest of the world is doing….encouraging defacing our bodies , the very one our creator made:)
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Comment by Jason
7.13 am on 10 Aug 2009
Kevin & Gail you wrote: ‘Jason , you dont need Tatoos , cigars and any other nonsense stuff to prove you are cool in Christ!’ I would hope what I wrote above was about everything other than being cool???
Then you wrote ‘but , would love to hear more about what the Father is doing in Jason this week/month/year’…I don’t think I could have bared my soul much more in that regards with this post.
Jase
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Comment by I Proud
11.57 am on 17 Aug 2009
Couldn’t agree more. I always think it’s advantageous (and courteous) to read a post before posting a patronising reply. Taking a deep breath and considering the content leads to a more measured response, with a carefully considered number of punctuation marks. Otherwise, one seems less FAB, less cool, more uncool… mate.
I find it hard to bear my soul in private, never mind in public. Thanks for the post – I aspire to your level of commitment to the church as family.
IP
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Comment by Jason Clark
1.40 pm on 1 Sep 2009
Thanks IP
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Comment by tobit
8.21 am on 10 Aug 2009
Hi Jase. thank you so much for sharing / pouring your heart into sharing in this way. A heart poured out is a heart held, by your ekklesia and by our Father.
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Comment by Jason
8.25 am on 10 Aug 2009
Thanks Tobit, and I hope you experience the same with all you are going through at present my friend.
Jason
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Comment by Wanida
8.27 am on 10 Aug 2009
Thanks for sharing your story. I don’t know if it was a difficult thing to choose to do but I see it as a brave thing to do. It gives me courage in ways that you can’t possibly imagine.
Blessings my friend
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Comment by Jason
8.29 am on 10 Aug 2009
I was apprehensive, and took my time. Thanks for your encouragement.
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Comment by Allen Kleine Deters
3.05 pm on 10 Aug 2009
Jason,
Although I spoken to you only once at the Institute for Christian Worship at Calvin College, I feel strangely akin to you for many reasons which are another conversation.
Thank you sooooo incredibly much for sharing your story. It is truly a story that is you, the core of your being, your genogram in a blog. It is a powerful message of redemption yet the truth of how you were shaped by your past that God used and is using for his purposes. It has clearly shaped you for how you do and see ministry.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings to you.
Allen
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Comment by Jason
5.19 pm on 10 Aug 2009
Thanks Allen, that was a such a great event. Thanks for your encouragement. Jase.
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Comment by Jason
5.20 pm on 10 Aug 2009
…and thanks for the re-tweet
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Pingback by Twitted by ragamuffinvoice
3.20 pm on 10 Aug 2009
[...] This post was Twitted by ragamuffinvoice [...]
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Comment by mervyn
5.44 pm on 10 Aug 2009
Hi Jase I love your honesty,it must be real good to be a member of your congregation to know that the guy at the sharp end is real and not hiding stuff,and being super pastor ! and a tattoo how far out is that ! dont change bro ! ! Merv from a rainy south wales coast………
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Comment by Jason
9.15 pm on 10 Aug 2009
Thanks Mervyn
I hope the sun comes out soon!
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Pingback by Dream Awakener » Choice Blog Entries – Prayer, Tattoo’s, Marginalization and Spirit vs Structure
9.26 am on 11 Aug 2009
[...] personal and meaningful story behind getting his “Ecclesia” tattoo, in what he calls the story of a tattoo. In a follow up post he gives four reasons for getting his tattoo. Meaningful reads. So do you have [...]
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Comment by Jenny Page
11.04 pm on 11 Aug 2009
Wow Jason, that’s deep. Thank you for sharing your story. Tattoo, no tattoo, up to you – you are still the godly man loved by many. Do you know of Greg Boyd? He spoke at our Revive conference last week. He too had a very painful early/teen life, and has come through it amazingly, much the same way you clearly have.
Don’t know whether this is a compliment or not, but I’d never have guessed at the trauma you’ve been through, having met you! But it’s so good to have leaders in the Church who aren’t all from nice Christian backgrounds (although not all Christian backgrounds are nice . . .); people who, perhaps, really do take nothing for granted. I have something to learn from that!
Bless you
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Comment by Jason
8.43 am on 12 Aug 2009
Thanks for your kind words and encouragements Jenny
I know about Greg, never met or heard him, but have read him.
And I’ll take that as a compliment. People often seem to assume I’m a privileged white male middle class christian from birth. Reminds me that we never know everyones back story, and that they all have one.
Jase
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Comment by Elizabeth Chapin
8.42 pm on 13 Aug 2009
I’ve wanted a tattoo since I was 16. Now, for different reasons than then. It’s always interesting to hear tattoo stories – almost all tattoos have stories behind them. Thanks for sharing yours.
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Comment by Jason Clark
5.49 am on 14 Aug 2009
So you going to get one?
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Comment by Elizabeth
9.54 pm on 16 Aug 2009
My husband is not a fan of tattoos, which I didn’t find out until I started talking about getting one ;0 So, for now, I’m waiting. Maybe I’ll get a motorcycle…
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Comment by Linda
3.31 pm on 17 Aug 2009
May question is not about tattoos, Jason, although there have been times when I have been tempted, but so far have not decided on what.
My question concerns your parents, and how do you reconcile forgiveness and your background and God? I ask as a parent. My former husband abused my and his children’s trust, not just figuratively but mentally; and in the case of my younger son, physically. It is difficult for me to forgive him, bacause of the hatred that still wells up in me every time I think of him. I am still cleaning up his mess and don’t know how much longer I can cope although my children are now all in their twenties and 2 have left home. I am a practicing Christian but have problems seeing God’s hand in this and my hatred is stopping me from further growth. How did you overcome this?
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Comment by Jason Clark
1.47 pm on 1 Sep 2009
Hi Linda,
I can’t imagine how painful that might be. I don’t understand how parents can abuse children, and I don’t know if my coping mechanisms translate to your situation, but here is what has helped me the most.
1. Forgive: I have handed them over to God, to Judge, and believe that he sees them perfectly and his judgement is better than my anger. This doesn’t mean forgetting, or excusing
2. Let go: I spent to long trying to get away from my parents abuse, I let it shape me, rather than the good in life, and God and with his people. I had to let go and let go and let go until I felt I had really let go. They hurt me so much, I didn’t want the past hurting me every day again and again.
3. The cross: taking my pain to the cross, with others, in prayers, to weep and find comfort and healing, again and again…I have found the cross bigger than my pain, and taken it on instead of the abuse. Expressing my pain, not hiding from it.
4. Human condition: i live in a fallen world, I was abused and others face worse than me. My parents are broken and lived that out badly.
5. Shape: God has redeemed the brokenness and I minister out of that place, the healing he brought. His redemption is bigger than the loss, in this life and will be even more in eternity
Love, Jason
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Comment by Geoff Holsclaw
6.36 pm on 17 Aug 2009
wow, jason. Thanks for sharing that. amazing! at our congregation we try repeatedly to emphasize the baptismal family we are called into beyond our biological families which always wound us.
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Comment by Jason Clark
1.39 pm on 1 Sep 2009
Tnx Geoff
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Comment by susanne schleyer
11.20 am on 3 Sep 2009
eine wirklich ermutigende Geschichte, Gott segne Dich,
Gruß aus Deutschland, Susanne
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Comment by Jason
11.27 am on 3 Sep 2009
Danke Susanne, groß, Sie kommentieren zu lassen
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Comment by Burt
3.03 pm on 4 Sep 2009
Sorry about your father. It’s so hard when heartache perpetuates itself in relationships. But thank-you for your transparency and willingness to bare your heart. The work being done in you and through you as you share is powerful. Thanks.
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Comment by Jason
6.20 pm on 4 Sep 2009
Tnx Burt, Jase
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